What a Week

This week has been a roller coaster of ups and downs starting with my specialist appointment Monday morning. I left the house with Aaron and Mom feeling good about having spent the weekend according to doctor's orders. I was on strict bed rest other using the restroom and only sitting up to eat and occasionally write. My appointment was at 10:00, but we were still waiting at 11:00 so I thought we should call Dr D's office to ask if they had the results of my fetal fibronectin test. A negative result ruled out whether or not I would go onto labor in the next 14 days. My test came back positive. I felt weak all over when the nurse told me my results and had to lay down on the waiting room couch because I was getting light headed. Dr. Cresan finally saw us after what seemed like an eternity. She first measured my cervix and then checked the babies. The good news: both Grayson and Hallie looked great. The bad news: my cervix shortened from a 2.7 on Friday to a 1.8 and was beginning to funnel.  I started to panic knowing that if it didn't stop I would soon be in labor.   I was only 22 weeks and 2 days. This couldn't be happening.  I started to feel like I was going to pass out so Dr. C put a cold compress on my head and laid me on my side until I felt like we could continue and discuss where to go from here. She suggested that we have a cerclage put in as soon a possible, but also let us know there are serious risks that go along with an emergency cerclage this late into pregnancy such as infection, breaking one of the babies amniotic sacs, puncturing one of my organs and the list went on. Many doctors will not perform a cerclage this far into pregnancy due to the possible risks and complications. If we chose not to have the surgery I would surely go onto labor in the next 1-2 weeks and the babies would have little chance at survival and major health complications if they did survive.  I was trying to keep it together but the stress was unavoidable and I started having frequent contractions. Dr. C said I would need to be admitted to the hospital after leaving her office. Aaron and I knew that our babies had little chance to survive if we didn't choose to have the cerclage. We knew surgery was the right choice for us.  I was shaking all over as I was wheeled to our car and couldn't help but think that my body was failing my precious babies.  I was a mess.

The hospital was ready for us when we arrived and we were checked right into a labor and delivery room. I had been to this same hospital, same floor many times before to visit friends and their newborns. It was like a nightmare to me. I wasn't supposed to be there yet... Not for months. Several friends and family members came to see us offering a much needed distraction from my racing thoughts. Marty, our pastor, came to pray with over us which helped to calm me and give me peace that we were covered in His protection and promises.  Shortly after Dr. D came to talk with us. He reassured me that if we had a successful surgery we could get these babies to 30 weeks or more. He also calmed us all letting us know our surgeon, Dr. Trimmer was the best he knew. Surgery was scheduled for 10:00am Tuesday morning. I felt a some relief after talking with him.  In the mean time, I was given medication to control contractions and was being monitored closely for signs of labor. The nurses and staff were wonderful and took excellent care of me in my fragile state.  Hospital bed rest became even more strict than home bed rest.  My bed was tilted downward to keep all pressure off of my cervix, I was not to sit up and my 'bathroom privileges' were suspended.  I thought I would die when I asked how I was to use the bathroom and the nurse casually said I would be using a bedpan. A bedpan!?  I can honestly say my 5 days in the hospital removed any previous modesty issues I had.  I am now prepared for childbirth :)

Sleep was hard to come by for both Aaron and I. I was given medication to help me relax and calm my anxiety. It may have helped some, but I was still highly anxious throughout the night. I was terrified of going onto labor at any moment.

Tuesday morning I saw Dr. Trimmer for a sonogram and he was able to offer us encouraging news prior to the procedure. My lining was nice and thick which would make it easier to stitch.  I had a 50% chance of reaching 32 weeks or more if everything went as we hoped. His goal was to stretch and hold my cervix to 3.5cm (stitch was described to us to look much like a man's shoelace). I had a spinal tap numbing from waste down and was ready to go. The procedure lasted about 45 minutes. Dr. T was so kind and caring throughout the entire process holding my hand as I was prepped and he even asked for the babies name and wrote them down so he wouldn't forget. Afterwards we had another sonogram and were given excellent knews. Dr. T was able to fix the funneling and stretch my cervix to a 4.5! He felt very optimistic and said that we should too. I finally felt relief after 24 hours of worrying like I never have in my life before.  Due to the risks and potential complications after surgery I was to stay in the hospital for observation until they felt I was stable enlightenment to go home.

Wednesday morning Dr. T came for a follow up sonogram. I was more than ready to see how the stitch was holding.  Although I felt better after surgery I was still very anxious about the what-ifs.  I made the mistake of Googling late one night when I couldn't sleep. BAD idea.  Dr. T was extremely pleased with my progress seeing no infection and confirming the stitch was holding and still measuring at a 4.5! Our prayers were answered. We still have a long road ahead, but we could rest in this 'victory' as the doctor said. Our first goal is to make 26 weeks. 24 is technically when they have reached a chance at viability, but 24 would still be far too early, with many complications expected.  Our next big goal will be 28-30 weeks and anything beyond that point just means more developed babies who will spend less time in the NICU.

Throughout this week we relied heavily on our faith and prayed feverently for the health of our precious babies. We trust God's will and knew He was with us every step of the way. I believe each storm we weather is to make us stronger and draw us closer to Him. I knew I loved and wanted these babies, but had no idea just how much until this week.  I will do whatever it takes to ensure Grayson and Hallie arrive here safe and healthy.   I now know what it means to love your children more than yourself. I can only begin to imagine what that love will grow into after I am able to hold them in my arms!

I was released from the hospital Friday. It feels great to be home. I was nervous leaving the constant supervision and monitoring by the hospital staff, but comforted knowing they felt I am stable enough to continue bed rest at home. Oh, and I have my bathroom and shower privileges back! It's the little things.... I will see the Dr. T's partner next week for follow up as he is out of town. We pray for continued progress and good news from here on out. Everyday these two stay put is a victory and a blessing.  I told Mom we need to have a party on her birthday (August 15th) as I will be 30 weeks that day. Who said you can't have a party on the couch???