Anxiety

I debated sharing this post because the last thing I want to do is complain when I feel so grateful and blessed for all that we've been given, but my goal in blogging is to document my pregnancy and anxiety has unfortunately been a part of it.  I've never suffered from anxiety prior to pregnancy, and now have a whole new respect and heart for those who suffer from it. The most common question I've been asked is 'how are you feeling' and I can honestly answer that I feel great. My spirits have stayed up, physically I feel well and am enjoying pregnancy aside from the issues we are overcoming with my cervix. And then there is the anxiety. When I first came home from the hospital I had a concern that due to pregnancy and bed rest I was at higher risk for blood clots. Normally, I would discuss it with my doctor to see what, if anything we should consider as a preventative measure and move on. Well, I've learned anxiety doesn't work that way. The hard part is that I immediately think the very worst will happen. I had a bad panic attack right after coming home from the hospital. Fortunately, Tracy was with me and helped me through it and we were able to laugh about it later. There may even be a picture floating around of me breathing in a paper bag. During the thick of it I was ready to call 911 as I was sure I was having a stroke or heart attack. She continued to remind me how alike panic attacks and symptoms of heart attack are. I wasn't convinced. The rational part of me was losing to the anxiety. Poor Tracy!  For a month or so everything was fine and then I discovered a mole. Aaron was rubbing my back and noticed a it that had changed and was inflamed and irritable. I was sure it was the worst case and I couldn't shake the bad feelings and dread for days. I hate to admit it but at the height of these episodes I feel like I am going to die. Awful. I know. Making things (much) worse I jumped on Google further convincing myself the mole was something to be concerned about and the  non-existent blood clot would cause a stroke. I saw a dermatologist today who said she felt certain my mole was irritated but not cancerous. I requested it be removed and sent to pathology for further peace of mind. I was also put on blood thinner as a precaution to ease my mind about potential for blood clots.

I do my best to focus on the good, praying and listening to calming music when I start feeling anxious or worried thoughts. I realize my hormones are out of whack and I have an unusual amount of time to (over)think what-ifs. Aaron has been patient but has mentioned he would like the old me back who used to give him a hard time about being a hypochondriac. I agree. I want the old me back, too. This stuff is no fun. Living with anxiety is not easy and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. As always, my faith carries me through and gives me peace when nothing else can. My mother in law shared a few scriptures with me that I have focused on and read over until I felt a sense of calm. Friends and family have been helpful (and patient) when I have these crazy thoughts allowing me to talk through them while listening and reassuring me. I know this is a phase I'll work through and what is most important is the health of Grayson and Hallie. I refuse to let this steal my joy. I'm 31 weeks and counting and couldn't be happier about that!

My daily devotional spoke loudly to me today as it often does!

“I AM A GOD WHO HEALS. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more— much more—available to those who ask.”

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.